From the first tantrum your child throws in the middle of Border’s, you have the agonizing dilemma of how to fairly discipline them. Sometimes, it’s easy and there is a natural consequence; other times, you may find yourself in the middle of a battle.
Every child is different, every day is different. What worked for a child one day might not the next. As both a parent and an educator, I’ve had a lot of unique experiences with my own child and my students. My child is the one who threw a tantrum in Border’s when he was about 2 ½…that was the first for me…I was mortified. I left the store embarrassed, but, being only 2 ½, my son had no recollection of the incident once we were outside the store. I don’t believe that there is one magic solution that will fix all of our discipline issues. Kids aren’t made from molds, so I don’t think it is right to assume that a solution from a box will solve every problem.
I’ve been to countless workshops and trainings. I’ve studied books and practiced many strategies. Finding out what works for you and your child is important. If you are looking for a few new tricks or methods to try, keep reading! I use a combination of both of the following methods at home as well as in my classroom.
Love and Logic (www.loveandlogic.com)
The philosophy of being a love and logic parent was founded by Jim Fey and Foster W. Cline. Love and Logic teaches parents how to hold their kids accountable for their behaviors and actions. As a teacher, I constantly reinforce how important it is to take responsibility for one’s actions.
Here’s an example of how Love and Logic may be used:
Mom: It’s too bad you left your DS outside and it rained. Bummer. I know how easy it can be to make a mistake and forget things like that. When you save up your allowance, I’d be happy to take you to the store to replace it.
Mom has now put the responsibility of the incident on the child. She doesn’t yell or threaten the child, no matter how frustrating the situation may be. Most children probably will not be happy with this response but a calm parent can more easily handle the situation. Jim Fay advises parents not to argue or match wits with the child and repeat this phrase as many times as necessary, “I love you too much to argue.” Teachers can use this as well. I tell my students, “I like you too much to argue.” When you, as the adult, remain calm, it really helps to diffuse a child’s anger.
1-2-3 Magic http://www.parentmagic.com/
1-2-3 Magic has been a life saver for me as both a parent and a teacher. This method focuses on three simple steps.
1. STOP the unwanted behavior.
2. START your kids doing what you want them to.
3. Strengthen the relationship you have with your child.
When I started teaching, I felt like all I did was talk. I made silly mistakes; when a kid ran down the hall I would ask, “Why are you running?” I learned that question will get you nowhere. I would spend so much class time asking kids to stop whatever behavior was undesirable that I would be EXHAUSTED by lunch. When my school had a professional development session on 1-2-3 Magic, I was hooked! Here is an example of how 1-2-3 Magic works:
*Jenny throws her toy across the room*
Mom: Jenny, that’s a 1.
Jenny: *throws another toy*
Mom: Jenny, that’s a 2.
Jenny: *gets upset and tries to argue*
Mom: Jenny, that’s a 3.
Now, if I’m at home, this is going to be a time-out. If Jenny is 5, she’s going to sit in time out for 5 minutes. If I’m at school, a 3 is also a time-out, but the student goes to the reflection zone in my classroom and completes a reflection sheet.
I love this approach because I don’t have to keep saying the same things over and over again. I don’t have to explain everything a child does wrong, every time it happens. The numbers stay with them all day, or for younger children, you may wish to break the day up at lunchtime and then start over. If Jenny corrects her behavior after her 1, then the situation is dropped, but if in an hour, Jenny argues with her mom over a snack, then mom can make that a 2. When this approach has been practiced and done consistently, it is my experience that most children will not get past a 1 or sometimes a 2.
Parents with young children, you can do this too! I use it with my 4 year old and it really does work. I haven’t explained to him what the numbers mean but when I say, “Wesley, that’s a 1,” he usually stops in his tracks. Sometimes, he gets to a 2 but not very often.
Both of the above programs have a lot of information available online. There are books, videos, newsletters and more available to you. I encourage you to look into these methods and see if one works for you and your children.
Discipline is a tricky thing. What I like about both of these practices is that it takes the responsibility off of you as the adult and makes your child accountable. Isn’t that what we want, to teach our children how to be productive members of society? If kids don’t learn to be accountable for their actions, how will that transfer later in life?
I hope this information proves helpful to you. As a parent, I’m being completely honest by saying that it does work. Like anything, consistency is key, and your children will pick up on those cues from you.
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