Everyone hates hearing “I told you so," especially children. Think how you feel when you are driving around in circles and your spouse says, “I told you 20 minutes ago we should have made a right not a left!” How about when your new hairdresser makes you look like Medusa, and your mother says, “I told you not to go to that fancy place, now look at you!”
Hearing “I told you so” backs adults and children into corners where the only recourse is to become defensive, angry, or hurt. It damages relationships and strips individuals of their dignity. To maintain and nurture our relationships with our children, we need to avoid communications in a way that shames them.
Humans like to be right, and it feels so good to say, “I told you so. If you would have only listened to me, things would be going so well for you right now.” Parents, especially, have this need because they are biologically programmed to protect their young from harm.
As parents, how do we manage those intense feelings of needing to be right and needing to say “I told you so," while still respecting and maintaining the dignity of our children?
Instead of:
“I told you to wear your long-sleeved shirt, but you didn’t believe me that it was going to be cold out today. I'm glad I made you change your clothes!”
Try saying, “Did it work for you?”
“Did the long-sleeved shirt work for you today? Were you happy in the end that you changed clothes?”
Instead of:
“I told you you should have put your snack in your backpack right away. Then you wouldn’t have forgotten it!”
Try empathizing and affirming your belief in your child that they will change:
“I was so sad when I realized you didn’t have your snack with you today. I was concerned about you being hungry the whole day. I am sure tomorrow you will put your snack in your bag right when I give it to you.”
Instead of:
“You missed the bus again! Now you're going to have to walk to school. I told you you need to wake up earlier in the morning, but you never listen.”
Try empathizing and saying, “ Sometimes it helps..."
“Oh no! Not again! Here’s a sweatshirt. You will need it for your walk to school. Sometimes it helps to walk through your schedule backwards in your head to make good decisions abut how long it really takes for you to get ready in the morning.”
Instead of:
“How many times have I told you not to bring electronics to the dinner table? Now you've spilled water all over your new camera!”
Try empathizing and problem solving:
“You sound so upset and disappointed, what do you think we should do to save this camera?”
Instead of:
“Another C. I told you you needed to study harder, but you said you were fine.”
Try giving their wishes in fantasy:
Gently say, “You are probably wishing right now that you had studied more for this test or that you had asked your teacher for some help.”
Instead of:
“Your teacher called us again about you talking in class. How many times have I told you, you need to keep quiet in class?"
Try empathizing and ask, "What are you going to do?"
“You are not going to be happy about this. Your teacher called about you talking in class. What are you going to do about this very serious problem?”
Needing to be right is one of those quirks of human nature that can damage our relationships. Finding ways to manage those quirks in an intelligent way can help us maintain our dignity, and the dignity of our children, while nurturing the child-parent relationship.
For more ideas on how to communicate more effectively with your children, take the "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen" Teleclass. For more information visit ParentingSimply.com.
References:
Faber, A., Mazlish, E. (1999). How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. NY: Harper Collins.
How to Communicate Effectively teleclasses available at ParentingSimply.com.
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